Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
You Might Also Like
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I hate everything
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.