Van Gone
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.