I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
You Might Also Like
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I finally found a reason to live again.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on