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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Tastes like chicken.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.