I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*