[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
so this horse walks into a bar
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Sing it!
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.