Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.