4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
wish me luck lads
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing