the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
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[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Air conditioning – not a fan
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
“I’m helping” 😅
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.