Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I am a gravy boat captain
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.