Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.