I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids