The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”