God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My guardian angel deserves a raise
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.