[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Well, that should do it
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid