you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.