The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef