If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.