Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
my mind
You just read my mind
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
pelicons
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help