I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
#Caturday
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car