I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.