The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”