Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.