i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Barbie gone wild
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Can Happiness buy money?