Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no