My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
emergency phone
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
This anagram machine is out of order.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.