date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
School be like
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe