Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win