Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
There is no try. There is only give up.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”