ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
me linking you to my twitter
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
One venti cheeseburger please.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”