Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”