My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied