Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.