It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
This January has 47 Mondays
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
The real reason evolution started..😂
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?