[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
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her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.