Me: OK Fine. π°βπ³π³ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The perfect label doesnβt exi-
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A water park, but itβs just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, βsort of.β
Ah yes. The three genders
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
As a child I thought that growing up Iβd be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.