As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI