5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
hey, alexa
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: