I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Lube but for my dry humor.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.