grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA