If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Barbie gone wild
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>