Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
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One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me