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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’m listening
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running