We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
This is not me but this is me
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.