Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding