*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Poetry is my passion
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
how to have an accident 101
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks