Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*