Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
peeping toms