[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.