doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Can. I. Help. You.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father